Standup

A few years ago, I took a class at Freehold Theater called Solo Performance. The final session was a showcase, which we invited friends and others to attend. After it was over, I posted the script from my performance. Recently, I took another class at Freehold, Standup Comedy. Here is my set, as written, from the final session of that class last night. 

Money is hard to come by, right 

So when you get money, you want to make sure to save some of it. 

Our government is trying to save money too 

We have DOGE

The Department of Government Efficiency 

Trying to save all our money 

We see how that’s going. 

Because cheaper is not always better right?

You skip the gas station sushi

Maybe you don’t go to the cut-rate chiropractor

You’re not looking for a good deal on a vasectomy 

It’s always two for one, though 

Let’s take an example from ancient history

The Trojan Horse

You remember that, right? The Greeks beat the Trojans by hiding inside a giant horse. 

Imagine the Greek DOGE guy questioning the the guy that thought up the Trojan Horse

So, Demetrius, what do you have for us today

Look I know I’m using a British accent but I don’t know how to do a Greek accent so just roll with it, OK

I’ll start again 

So, Demetrius, what do you have for us today

I hope it’s better than wings made out of wax

Because that was a big waste of money 

Wax wings

So, what is it 

You want to build a giant wooden horse 

How big is it

Big enough to fit the whole army inside

What are they gonna do in there

They’re going to hide

Then what, Demetrius

You’re going to tell the Trojans it’s a gift. 

So we’re giving things away 

All right, keep going

They roll it inside the city. The soldiers jump out. It’s a big surprise. And we win the battle.

That’s a terrible idea Demetrius

Do you think that’s going to work more than once 

Do you think anyone’s going to fall for that again, Demetrius 

Don’t you think the word will spread to the Persians and the Macedonians and the Egyptians

I can just hear it now: beware of Greeks bearing gifts 

That’s a single-use item, Demetrius. 

I can’t justify spending money on that. Funding denied. 

See there. If the Greeks do that, maybe they save a little money but they lose the war.

So you can be too cheap. 

But you can also be too loose with money too

Like I have a hard time keeping track of money.

I was a Good Humor man once

I remember my first day

I got my ice cream

I got my truck

I’m driving 

I pull into the first neighborhood and I reach down and flip on the music

(Pop Goes the Weasel)

The kids start coming up with their money in hand

I’m selling creamsicles, strawberry shortcakes, king cones, snow cones, sidewalk sundaes

One kid’s like fifty cents short on a Klondike Bar

That’s OK, kid, you’ll pay me tomorrow 

I’m making a note to charge him interest

Thinking about running a payday loan business on the side. 

On through the neighborhood and onto the next

(Pop Goes the Weasel)

More kids

Rocket Popsicles, push ups, ice cream sandwiches

Money’s coming in

I’m starting to get overwhelmed 

I’m stuffing ones and fives and tens into every pocket

I got money coming out of everywhere 

I feel like a stripper

I get twenty dollar bills

Whoa big money. 

I stick those up in the dashboard so I don’t mix them up 

Onto the next

(Pop Goes the Weasel)

I finish my route and head back to the base.

I’m feeling good. 

It’s a warm night 

I got the windows down

Picking up speed 

Wind in my hair

The 20 dollar bills I had put in the dashboard fly out the windows into the breeze and over the Aurora Bridge. 

You gotta watch your money

Time is money 

That’s my time

I’m Patrick Hogan

You’ve been great 

Please clap. It’s part of my grade.  




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